Median
Blue Bird
PLEASE BE MINDFUL that this section contains some pieces that may be triggering (topics such as suicide, death, traumatic experiences, etc.) to some. I also don't expect people to agree with me, as I tend to have mixed feelings about my own thought process as well. My writings are instances of how I felt. My perspective may or may not have changed from the time I wrote each piece. Below are the titles of the pieces on this page. The ones that talk about sensitive topics will be highlighted blue (the darker the color, the more severe the topic). Also, no matter how you may connotate my views on suicide, I do not condone it. It is not worth it, talk to a loved one or someone you trust. You have more to live for than you may think at the moment, and you're worth more than what you're going through.
Everlasting War I Love To Cry My Impatience Another Dreamer "At Least You're Not Dead"
Time's All It Takes Cry
Time's All it Takes- 2022
Staying perseverant 'cause I know that it's gon' be awhile
Anxiety's got me paralyzed, I damn near feel senile.
My heart is skippin three a beat, my stomach tied in a twist,
I understand that life is hard but I hate feeling like this.
At times I just can't handle it, at times I wish I was dead.
But then instead of meeting bliss, I'll reincarnate instead.
And deal with it all over again but my loved ones wont be there no mo'
And I don't really want to die I just don't want to deal with this pain no mo'.
Cause life is gonna get harder, with more trials and tribulations,
Cause my garden has started but I'm tryin' to grow a nation.
And I know I can do it, I just gotta be patient.
And at the end of the day, we dealin with the same shit.
So I just gotta keep on goin, gotta maintain faith,
And when my mind is overflowin, I write to escape.
And I bring all of my thoughts forward 'cause you could relate.
And I know that we can do it, time's all that it takes.
Cry- 2022
Cry when I lose, cry when I'm winning
Cry when I reach the end to my beginning.
Cry when I'm hurting, crying for healing
Crying's the answer whenever I'm feelin-
Sad, frustrated or overjoyed.
You can try to delay it, but can't avoid.
Cry for a reason or cry just because
Cry for a moment, whatever it was.
To cry's to reset, to cry's to release.
In the moment of tears I'm found in peace.
Cry in the moment your heart says so
Just for a moment, allow to let go.
Everlasting War - 2021
Trynna take one step at a time
Carefully, in the field of land mines
Scared to make the wrong moves so I ponder and stand
But as I wait I’m seeping into the thick quicksand
Hard to decipher right from wrong and wrong from right
Stuck in the dark, can’t seem to find the light
Like an apple, on the outside a healthy shine you can see
But there’s pieces rotting deep inside of me
A life full of blessings, and I’m grateful for sure
But internally I’m deafened by my mental wars
Finding peace in solitude 'cause it’s already two of me
And I’m scared of what you may see as you’re looking right through to me Because truthfully I love myself, but there are parts of me I hate
I try to fix cause I can’t erase nor escape
So I understand now, “how can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself?”
Because I judge others for parts that I know I have within myself
And that’s why I hate me
I stand my ground but it’s shaky
I appreciate the help, but only I can save me
I Love to Cry - 2021
I hate to cry in front of people, but I love to cry alone. I mainly hate to cry in front of other people because my face changes tomato red and it looks like my face cramped up midway taking a shit, but also because I think crying while trying to maintain composure is not the same as letting all of your vulnerability flow out uncontrollably. I remember my aunt told me that crying is releasing all of the mental poison and stress from your body. I definitely found that to be true, especially when at the moment that's all I was able to do.
I used to believe that crying would be a sign of my weakness on how I'm handling life, until I realized it's just a simple action that requires me to let go for a few minutes, or maybe hours, and just let all of my anger, sadness, or disappointment flow out. I used to feel pathetic for crying, until I realized that even through all those times I cried, I would get back up and continue doing what I had to do.
My Impatience - 2019
But that shit’ll take years.
I snap myself back to reality.
My impatience, has been the root of my stunted growth.
The vivid pictures I could paint, with what goes on in my head.
Only, I can’t paint in detail like that, and it’ll take forever to learn how to paint like that, let alone take the time to even paint one image.
The abundance of songs, I could rap or sing
Only, I can’t rap like that, and it seems impossible to get to the stage I want to be at.
The extravagant outfits I could wear, and someday even sell!
Only, I barely know how to sew as it is, and it’ll take a decade to perfect it.
And that’s my problem. My impatience.
If I would have invested the time needed, for all of the skills I have started
But haven’t yet mastered,
I would have painted the most vivid picture of what goes on within my head.
I would have an album of my songs.
I would have launched my clothing company which I started three years ago.
But I didn’t, because I never did take the time,
But rather, jump from dream to dream
Never perfecting a skill, but being good enough.
I’m ready to start perfecting my skills,
My “would haves” will be “haves”.
I Don’t Wanna be Another Dreamer - 2019
I sit on the porch
Imagining my successes and daily routines
Knowing that, yes they will come one day.
I can feel it.
But how?
I tell myself, “imma start then when I’m like this” but how can I get like “this” when I haven’t moved?
I gotta do it now, now or never.
I would say I’m a fortune teller, but nah, I’m shaping my future with every step I take.
I don’t know what that makes me, but I now know the power I hold, to make my dream, my destiny.
“At Least You’re Not Dead” - 2019
Is probably the most ignorant shit you could say to somebody.
Death isn't the worst thing in the world, suffering is.
Suffering, cause you lost a loved one.
Suffering because you’re paralyzed from the waist down.
Suffering cause you ain’t got shit to feed to your kids.
Suffering because your race is hated and threatened solely for existing.
Suffering a heartbreak.
Suffering feeling lonely.
Suffering an illness that decays your body slowly.
Still think death is worse?
Alright, then tell me.
Would you rather b**n yourself or sh**t yourself to death?
Probably the latter, because it goes quick and almost painless.
Suffering ain’t painless. It’s a long process, that weighs your heart down,
A feeling almost impossible to ignore.
Melancholy.
I suffered a few times before, long enough
To call death with reluctance.
I dialed the number many times, but hung up.
I hung up because I was scared of how death would come.
I figured, I’ll sh**t myself. But then,
What if I miss and suffer from brain damage?
I could h*** myself.
But the process would take too long.
And that’s the shit. I wasn’t scared of death,
I was scared of the process beforehand.
Death itself, is only worse when you got a lot
To look forward to.
Not everyone has that.
And that’s when death feels like the most blissful solution.
Apparently when you die,
All your worries and sorrows lift from your soul.
So when you suffer, trust me, death isn't the worst thing to happen.
Sometimes, it seems like the only option of escape you have.