Median
Yellow Bee
The Yellow Bee section has a far brighter outlook than the Blue Bird, but both are me. In this section I focus more on the lessons learned from the hard times, and my gratitude for those times. Those are the general topics covered, but there are some extras as well.
My Vice
I didn't understand what a vice was until my friend explained it to me. And I think my main vice (apart from a few others) is humor. If there's one thing I hope to never lose, it's the ability to look at life with humor and laugh about it. I love to laugh, and just as much, I love to make other people laugh. I'm grateful for my humor because it's allowed me to deal with the painful moments.
You know when you fall, and it hurts real bad but it was also really funny so you do the semi laughing and crying? The laughter eases the pain, 'cause it serves as a distraction.
I try to be careful with how I use my vice though, because in some situations I just gotta deal with the pain raw. And I also gotta be careful with keeping my vice aside when I'm around people who are also dealing with pain, because my humor may come off as though I'm not taking their situation serious.
I realized that humor was my vice when I would catch myself laughing during real uncomfortable situations. I would be in the middle of an argument, and would have to hold back laughter even though nothing was actually funny.
Nevertheless I'm grateful for laughter, because just like crying, it's a relief to the body, only with a lighter outcome. So I pray, I never lose that ability.
Honesty
I feel like the idea of honesty is commonly misunderstood. For one, telling the truth doesn't always yield positive feedback from the person you're telling it to. For instance, just because I admitted to someone that I stole something from them, doesn't mean that they're not gonna whoop my ass after the fact. Second, honesty allows you clarity to make choices.
I believe that being honest is playing with open cards, allowing the people you interact with to see you with clarity.
I get transparency and honesty confused a lot of times, which leads me to overshare more than I would like to at times. But I also believe my transparency gives me power because I'm forced to own up to my bullshit when it comes up, and find a way to deal with it.
To me, honesty is very important, because I used to lie all the time when I was little, mainly to stay out of trouble. I learned after a while that honesty actually prevented a lot of trouble.
Learning to accept honesty has been a hard but great experience for me. I'm learning to look at things for what they are as a whole, whether it be internally or externally. I'm also grateful for the honesty I receive from my people because it made me appreciate their feedback when it was positive, and see a different perspective if it was negative. I appreciate honesty even if it's something I don't want to hear, because after the few seconds of bitterness, I take in what was really said and realize that it may be something I need to hear.
Of course, not everything negative someone says about you means it's true, but it's important to be open to hearing the truth so you can make a clear inference. For instance, I love when the darkness comes to light because though it may hurt, it allows me to move accordingly as I've gotten the full picture.
I like to use the "best friend and significant other" example. I know that some people are uncomfortable with the idea of their close friends and significant other forging a friendship because they're scared it might lead to something else. Personally, I find that if your significant other and close friend were to pursue anything more than a friendship, it tells you everything you need to know about those two people. Because true friends and partners would not pursue an affair, even if the opportunity presents itself. I use this example to point out that what's meant to happen will happen, and it's best to let it so you can remove yourself from the fuckshit if needed, rather than preventing it from happening sooner than later.
Honesty is not as easy as people say, though. Because again, someone's truth isn't always nice, and people don't like that. I try to be as open and honest as possible, though sometimes I'm tempted to or find it's best to hold my tongue. Personally it's easier for me to hear honesty than to give it, because I feel like I'm naturally rough and don't want to offend people. Also, I know my truth isn't always right or it doesn't apply to everyone's situation, so at times I choose to keep to myself. I think that's most people's issue because though people claim they want honesty, what they seem to really want is for something nice to be true. But at the end of the day, it is what it is, and "it" may not be what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.
In 2020 - 2020
Especially toward the end I’ve learned to appreciate crying. I've come to love it, because it’s a way to release inner pain or feeling of being overwhelmed. I’ve sobbed and wept and screamed, and it always felt so good to just let it out. I’ve also learned to be more grateful for the blessings I have in my life, and I’m learning to become more patient when it comes to overcoming hardships. In life I’ve always had very unpleasant moments, but I think this year is the first time I’ve analyzed the unpleasant situations and my reactions towards them. I’ve learned to see things for what they are, and am straying away from the idea of what I want things to be.
I’m learning where my depression feeds from, and I’m learning how to combat the thoughts that try to bury me. I’ve learned to be more gentle with my siblings, giving them the love and patience I should have a long time ago. I’m learning to be more upfront with my thoughts rather than letting them run through my head until I keep them tucked within. I’m learning to understand others, but also being open about myself so others can understand me. I’ve learned that I take criticism well (for the most part), because I appreciate the truth more than anything, even if it means taking a hard look at myself and realizing what I need to change about myself.
I am learning that complaining is one of the things I’m great at, and that it only deepens my anger or sadness for whatever situation I'm going through, and isn’t constructive in any sense. I’ve learned that in the end, I will do what is best for me, even though it takes a few hits until I’ll get the hint. I’m learning to be patient, which is something that has always been hard for me, as I am anxious to be out of bitter situations and at my goal points. I’m learning that things take time, whether it be reaching a goal or getting through a painful situation. I’m learning to distance myself from people who feed my negative thoughts, even the people who birthed me.
I’m learning that no matter what, if I really want to reach my goals, the only way to get there is to keep fighting until I’ve achieved them, no matter the amount of failures and pains it takes to achieve them. I’ve learned that sometimes my fear of certain things isn’t always necessarily a warning sign (though in most cases, yes), but sometimes just my past traumas or experiences feeding into my doubt of things that could actually be good. I’ve learned what true love for someone means, that even when you do break ways, you still pray that they remain or are guided to health, happiness, and success. I’m learning to not look at situations as absolute goods or bads, but understanding that many things have multiple outcomes and the perspective you choose to look at is solely up to you.
Though this year has been probably the most trying year in a while for me, the dark situations have brought many truths to light. I’ve been shown that there are people who have gone through this year’s traumatic events for all of their life, and I hope God blesses them with peace and happiness. I’ve been shown that I have an amazing group of people that I love and support and that love and support me. I’ve been shown that it’s best I keep my distance from some people, and that as Amy says, choosing myself will cost me. I’ve done a shameful thing that hasn’t hit me yet but I know will register someday.
There’s so many things I’ve learned this year, and though I pray next year will be more peaceful and light, I must also be prepared to walk and persevere through the darkness.
And even if this upcoming year is peaceful and light, there’ll be dark years and days to come where I must be strong and keep going, even through the pain.
My Transparency
My transparency has come to be my greatest strength and weakness. My greatest strength, because I've allowed myself to accept my shortcomings, rather than denying them and hiding them. I try to as transpa